12/7/17

in

I never really listened to authors when they said that they "need" to write in order to function. I thought that this was a little farfetched and untrue, but I've come to the realization that they're onto something.

Throughout the years (I say as if I'm 50), I've dealt with anxiety and depression. This still feels a bit weird to write that out, but thankfully these topics aren't as taboo as they used to be. Basically, my downfall is when I keep everything bottled up and choose to not express my feelings. This is partly due to the fact that I'm an introvert; I don't think to go to a friend to talk an issue out, I simply overthink it or push it aside. When I'm feeling anxious (speaking of the devil - I am right now) thoughts tend to run rampant in my head and I have trouble keeping up with them. That said, I need to write. And I can tell when I haven't been writing. 

When I feel extra stressed or anxious, I write poetry - that's usually when the words come the easiest. Sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're really not. But for some reason, I wanted to share some of those words with you:

There’s not enough breath capacity in these lungs to exhale out, 

to filter out all my feelings. 

I don’t want them to be my feelings. 

Reagan Fleming

These Words

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These last couple of weeks have been rough, to say the least. But, thankfully today marked the beginning of my Thanksgiving break (praise dance), so I decided to leave campus and read at a coffee shop. I got a chai (I know, who am I?) and read for a few hours. Every reader has a few authors or some books that just get them. Sarah Dessen? Yep. Turtles All the Way Down by John Green? (So far, even though I'm only on chapter 10?) Yes indeedy. Now, this may not be the most beneficial thing for my mental health, but I often lose myself in fiction books when I don't particularly want to focus on what's happening in real life. However, this becomes beneficial when a book causes me to think about my own life in a different or new way. For instance, when I first started reading TATWD the other night, I read a passage that made me immediately start crying. I don't cry very often, so for a book to make me cry was really something. Writers can make their readers feel things - really feel things. It takes a good writer to produce something more than just words on a line that become intermingled with all the other thoughts fumbling around in the reader's brain. Good writing consists of words that change the reader's point of view and/or make them feel understood. 

So, as the first few hours of Thanksgiving break began - one that will inevitably be filled with homework - I sipped my chai and read these words: "Your now is not your forever." 

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Reagan Fleming

Gap Year

in

Fall break is upon us (at least for me and my classmates) and I could not be more excited; Ohio has never looked more green and sunny, and the trees have never been more lush. Like how I want to spend most days, I am sitting outside at a coffee shop, with the sun beating down on my face. Today's drink is an iced americano with pumpkin syrup and cream. A girl to the table next to me is gabbing to her friend on how "okay" she is that her boyfriend isn't ready to commit, and some weird rock music is softly playing on the speakers overhead. Ahh, home.  

Some of you know that I took a year off of school. Some of you don't know that I did that, nor do you know that I'm even back at school. So there's your update on my life. 

I was at the point in my academic career where I wasn't settled on my choice of major, and I didn't know if I wanted to be at that university. So, I took a year off to work. I initially told myself that it would be just a semester, and that slowly turned into a year. But, I can honestly say that it was the best decision that I could have made; taking that year off helped me realize that yes, that university was the best one for me to attend, and yes, I wanted to finish my degree in Writing. I realize that some people take time off of school and they never go back - that was a possibility for me. Yet, during that time of being away from my college friends and not having a typical "student" life, I realized that I missed all the studying, the midnight Sonic runs, and most of all, the writing projects I had to do for my writing/English classes. My dad told my sister many years ago to "get a degree in something you love." I love writing. 

Now that I'm back in school - even though it took a while to get acclimated to everything again - I know that I'm supposed to be here. And that's a really good feeling. 

So. If you're ever unsure about college, or a job, or whatever it is - just take baby steps. It's okay to not know the whole picture.

Reagan Fleming